Monday, February 21, 2011


After we found out in November that Wayne was done with treatments.  Done with chemotherapy.  Done with fighting the cancer.  With medicine, anyway.  He, however, was still not done fighting.  After that day.  I was done blogging.

I felt guilty for continuing to live my life when he was struggling to keep his.  Guilty for being happy in the midst of a devastation that had overtaken my family and my sister.

Now, he's gone.  And as I type that last word my heart sinks into my stomach and I realize the truth that comes along with the horrible realization.  I miss him terribly.  And then.  As I type that, I think, I don't have the RIGHT to feel that way as I think of Val.  Of Dave and Donna. Of Nikki.  Think of how they feel, I say.

But he was my brother.  Not a brother-in-law.  Not some man who was placed into our family that we never knew.  I KNEW him.  Loved him as my own brother.  My brother.  His sister.  I miss him.  He created such a huge influence in my life that is indescribable and I wonder WHY I never told him that.  I hope he knows.

So now, today.

I feel guilty again more than ever for having a good day.  For smiling. For going on with life.  I feel guilty for having a bad day, because I think, my bad day is nothing in comparison to Val's best days right now.

And Val. Sweet Val.  My best friend.  My sister.  She's the biggest influence in my life.  The storybook older sister that every girl needs.  I HAVE that.  I have her.  And now, she needs me.  I feel the roles have swapped and I worry I won't be able to give her everything that she needs.  I feel an immense responsibility to take care of her and Claire and Caeden.  I want to be a part of that new team.  A team that we will create to make it through.

Luckily I am not alone in wanting to lift Val up to the clouds.  She is surrounded by a lifeline of the best women you can imagine who have rallied together to create a little something to make sure Val is taken care of.

The day is February 28, 2011.  It will be an auction of all things lovely.  Proceeds will go to a variety of ways to make sure Val and the chickens are taken care of.  Please go to Jami's blog or Val's blog to read more.

Help us take care of Val.



Destine said...

I feel guilty too. Brian and I were at dinner last night and I thought how unfair it was that Wayne is not here. How is is not fair that my sister is not here. Life is not fair. But we have to live. Wayne would want that. He would want you to laugh and play and enjoy your life.

Val is lucky to have you. I wish I was closer to hold both of you. I wish I was closer to help. He is your brother!!! Always no matter what.

I love you Linz.

Valerie Koop said...

I know that God took Wayne from me, but he also knew I had you.

And I know that God took Wayne from you, but he knew you had me.

We'll figure this out.
I promise you.

I love you so much.